You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
