I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
