It's like God shit irony all over that family
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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