this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
