You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
