don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
