My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
