I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize