There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
