you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
