i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
