Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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