Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
