I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
