please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
