On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
