My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
