Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
