Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
