I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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