i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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