I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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