The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
