there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
