Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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