I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
