hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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