I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
