So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
