I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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