I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
