Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
