those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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