oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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