My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
