My Higher Power is John Stamos
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think I just sharted jello shots
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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