god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
