She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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