I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
