Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
