Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
