Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
