you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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