Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
