Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this boner is exhausting
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
