my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
