just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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