I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
