the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
