puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
