My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
